Facebook is the SparkNotes of dating. Anyone who’s dicking around on the internet can go to someone’s timeline and scroll through their likes and wallposts, making sure that they use there, they’re, and their correctly and determining whether they’re the “just got done with laundry, bout 2 go shower” type of non-individual or someone who actually posts worthwhile but self-fulfilling bullshit.
This is where the problem begins. You spend a couple hours looking through “Spring Break 2009 Pics” and get hopelessly lost, balls deep in someone’s online life. Maybe you take the next step and like a funny status, and if you’re really ballsy, you message them.
Now, let’s be real here. This was a bad idea. Didn’t people used to find out cute quirks and bad movie tastes after physically talking to someone first? Instead you know the person in question likes How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days and you just can’t look at him the same way. Or even worse, you realize that he likes Caro Emerald. And so do you, what a coincidence!! And he uses good grammar, and makes statuses that are kind of funny and not just him sucking his own dick to boost his ego.
Now you’re knee deep in shit because you’re supposed to hang out (and do you bring up obscure references that you know he’ll understand?) Maybe you’ll just watch his body language and go from there, see if he leans toward you. Are his pupils dilated? Maybe you should make a witty comment, bring up an intriguing topic, or just keep your mouth fucking shut because that’s the safest, albeit dullest route.
And all of this makes you feel like a schizophrenic, or at least like there are worms crawling around and fucking shit up in your brain. You know them and you understand their weirdness. At least, you think. And you want them to understand your weirdness back— to browse r/gore together, to not judge you for watching Masterpiece Theater AND classical Disney movies, to get your sarcasm but also think you’re the most adorable little burrito blanket ever.
Using Facebook as dating SparkNotes makes me feel like Carrie Bradshaw or a math word problem. “Oh, he likes League of Legends and authentic Ethiopian cuisine, so he’ll take ten months to say ‘I love you.’” Screw you social media, you’re making women’s fate as crazy cat ladies come much earlier than I’d like. I vow to stop cheating on getting to know people and take the old fashioned route next time instead.